Pain
by Tsvety
Summary: Two years after losing one of his closest friends, Kelly lost the only person he trusted - Shay. What happens next? Would he be able to deal with his grief? Would somebody manage to help him in time? A lot of Kelly/Matt friendship. Kelly/Rest of the firehouse. Read to find out! Contains spoilers! This is going to be a multi-chapter story.
1. Chapter 1

Hi everyone! This is my first Chicago Fire story, even though I've been a fan since the beginning. The story will focus on how Kelly deals with Shay's death, sometimes basing on moments from season 3 and filling in some gaps. Please read and tell me what you think as I'm not sure whether to continue. Also, I am not a native English speaker, so I want to apologise for any spelling/grammar mistakes in advance.

Warning: The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD.

Chapter 1

It had been tough five months for Lt. Matthey Casey. He still remembered vividly the day one great woman had lost her life, the day when one of his dearest friends had died, and another had become a dead man walking. Nothing had been right since then, and he felt like things were getting even worse, having to watch day after day Kelly fall apart. Not only that, but he had to be there for Gabby too. She hadn't said a word, partly because of Severide, but Matt knew how painful everything had been for her, that she blamed herself for what had happened. So he had had to put his own grief and sadness aside and be there for them since the second his men took Shay's lifeless body out of their hands. He'd had to be there for Boden and everyone else in the firehouse, because leaders lead from the front, now more than ever.

_***Flashback***_

_They lowered Shay's lifeless body on the ground in front of the exploded building and silently watched as Rafferty and another paramedic tried their best to bring Leslie Shay back to life. Another ambulance had just left, taking Mills to the hospital. Boden was staying there, next to Matt, like frozen, muttering prayers. It was a complete chaos, people were in shock, some of them crying, having already realized that they had just lost one of their own. More ambulances and Trucks were arriving, together with people from the headquarters, who were there to assess the damage._

_"Stop..." They heard the shacking voice of Rafferty, tears falling down her face as she ordered her partner to stop the CPR. She just couldn't believe it. The shift had been going so good, her new partner was a nice guy, and she just loved every second spent with him. They had stopped for a coffee, laughed for a bit at another guy, and then...the call. Explosion, firehouse 51, possible casualties, people carrying Shay's body out. "Time of dead..."_

_This was the moment Matt stopped listening and saw Gabby walk out the collapsed building, supported by two other firefighters, covered in dust and tears. The second they let her go, Dawson collapsed on the ground, kneeling besides the dead body, ordering her best friend to wake up over and over again. _

_"Gabby!" Matt approached her gently. _

_"Where's...where's Severide?" Capp asked, suppressing a wave of tears. Casey looked around, trying to locate Kelly, without any luck. His eyes stopped at Antonio and Erin, storming out of a police car, running towards them. He noticed the tiny bit of relief that went through Antonio's face after he saw his sister safe and sound, probably having been told that a paramedic at 51 was down, without knowing exactly who._

_"Gabby...shhh Gabby..." Antonio wrapped his sister into a tight hug, before looking at Casey, questioning._

_"Shay." He uttered. "I have to find Severide." He exclaimed and suddenly jumped out his spot. He put his helmet on and ran back inside the building, followed by Erin, and no one had the will- or physical power to stop them from going back there._

_"Severide!" Casey yelled but there was no answer. "Kelly!" He tried again._

_"Up here!" Another unfamiliar voice replied and the two of them ran upstairs, to the exact place where it had all happened. There were 2 firefighters from another house, kneeling beside the Squad Lt., trying to talk him into leaving the building already. Kelly hadn't moved an inch since they had taken Shay out and no one could imagine what was going though his head right now. His face was pale and it was like his mind was somewhere else._

_"Kelly, listen to me, you need to come out with me." Erin said gently, having realized that Casey also wasn't in a state where he could provide the support needed. He was trying, yes, but he wasn't less shaken than everyone else. "You hear me?" She tried again but Kelly was unresponsive."Guys, help me out here, let's take him outside." Erin demanded at the end. With the help of two other strong hands, they practically dragged the Squad Lt. out to an ambulance. _

_"Shay! Shay!" Kelly started yelling just after Erin helped him sit down. He tried standing up but two hands grabbed his shoulders and pushed him down. "Where is she? Shay? I wanna see her!" _

_"Kelly, please, calm down." _

_"No! I wanna see Shay! Shaaay?"_

_"She...she didn't make it. I'm so sorry Kelly." Erin made herself say the words that broke his heart into tiny pieces that no one knew how to put back together. "I'm sorry." She whispered again and wrapped him into a hug. She knew that there was nothing she could do or say to fix this, to stop the pain all these people were feeling. _

_***End of flashback***_

_xxx_

It was 4am and he had to get up and go to work soon, but Casey just couldn't fall asleep. His mind was occupied with worrying about Kelly, who hadn't gone home again the previous night. Actually, Matt could count on one hand the times his friend had actually slept in the guest bedroom ever since he had made him stay with them in their new apartment. Instead, Kelly had been drowning his sorrows in huge amounts of alcohol and Matt was amazed how his friend was managing to live through his shifts. Matt knew about the unproductive conversation Boden had had with Severide two shifts earlier. He also had realized that the talk, or monologue, he had had with him on the next shift hadn't had any success. He had been surprised to find out that Kelly had picked up another shift after theirs, but had thought that it had been a way for his friend to avoid drinking. Matt had spend the day home, waiting for Kelly to come back after the second shift to try to actually get some words out of him, but that had never happened.

"What is it baby?" Gabby asked gently, having been awoken by Matt, who had gone to the guest room for a third time that night to check if Kelly was home.

"I...I don't know what to do anymore. I was thinking that I managed to get some sense into him, but there he's again, out, probably drunk." Casey spit bitterly, the source of his angst being the fact that he had no idea what to do. "He just doesn't listen to anyone."

"There was one person..." Gabby mumbled, shutting up after realizing what she was about to say. Yes, there had been one person in this world who Kelly Severide trusted and listened to and this person was gone, forever. "Shay could always get through to him.",she smiled, sad.

"Yeah."

xxx

At 7am Kelly was awoken by his alarm clock. He opened his eyes, needing a couple of minutes to focus and realize that he had managed to crawl back into his quarters in the firehouse after having 6 tequilas and something he didn't quite well remembered the previous night. He felt so hangover that the second he opened his eyes, the bright light around gave him terrible pain in the head. He felt dizzy but somehow managed to stop himself from throwing up. Unfortunately, there was no way he could hide that he was looking and feeling like crap. Just before people from his shift started coming, he made his way to the bathroom and took a long, refreshing shower. When he finally managed to make his way to his locker and was about to put on a new clean Squad shirt, Boden walked in.

"Morning." Chief said, getting ready to change his shirt. He had already had a good look at his Lt. and hadn't liked what he had seen.

"Morning." Kelly murmured in response, trying to get ready and disappear as quickly as possible.

"Have you seen yourself in a mirror today, Severide?" Boden questioned, as Kelly was making his way out of his sight.

"Hate mirrors...they make me look fat." Kelly attempted a joke, but Boden's piercing gaze told him that it had been unsuccessful.

"Well let me tell you then, you look like hell." Chief was losing his patience. Truthfully said, he knew how Kelly was feeling. He himself still couldn't get over losing one of their own, a family member, but he had Dona to be there for him during the sleepless nights. With Kelly, it was different. Shay had been Kelly's family, the one to be there when things went wrong. Shay had been the one to help him overcome Andy's loss, the only one Kelly fully trusted to, the only one he listened to. Their bond had been beyond friendship, beyond anything known to humanity. They had sincerely loved each other, not in terms of being a couple kind of thing, but just being there for each other, always, no matter what. Boden remembered the few days after the tragedy, just after the funeral:

_***Flashback***_

_An hour had passed since Shay's funeral had officially finished. Many people had come to say their last goodbyes to such an amazing person as Lesley Shay, bringing flowers, and sharing their memories of moments with her. _

_It was starting to rain slightly, most people already had headed home. The only one still standing by Shay's grave was Kelly, kneeling there, touching the stone that had her name written on with one hand, allowing a stream of tears to fall down his cheeks. He still couldn't believe this, it all had just been a nightmare in his head, but the funeral was now over and it all had started to look real...She was gone, gone...There wasn't a chance that he would wake up, go downstairs and have breakfast with her. No. She was gone. Gone. Kelly had spent the three days before the funeral locked in his apartment in the company of many bottles of vodka, not wanting to be around anybody. People had tried reaching out to him multiple times, but all he had done had been to pretend he hadn't been home. Erin had been stopping by his place twice a day, Matt and Boden had tried talking with him many times, Herrmann and Cruz had been there twice. It had been extremely hard for all of them, but they knew it had been countless times harder for Kelly._

_"Hey buddy, let's get you home." Herrmann said softly, kneeling besides Severide, looking at the stone saying Leslie Shay. His heart sank for a countless time in the last few days when Kelly turned his head to look at him, his eyes wet and empty, as if belonging to a ghost._

_"No...I'm not living without her." Kelly barely got the strength to reply. Boden looked at them, trying to suppress his own tears and provide some sort of support to his men. Casey was trying desperately to suite Dawson._

_"She'll always be here, with us." Herrmann touched his heart with one hand, wiping out his tears with the other."You know what, let's go to Molly's, all of us, for Shay. God, she loved spending time there."_

_Truthfully, Boden didn't remember how they had managed to reach Molly's. He didn't really want to remember those days, just like he had been trying to forget the days after Darden's death. Loosing people was always hard, but when they were like family, it was million times harder._

_"Casey, listen, Severide can't stay alone..." Chief overheard Herrmann. "He's a total wreck." _

_"I have a spare bedroom." Matt replied reluctantly, not sure whether he could support Kelly and Gabby at the same time, in the same apartment. He looked at the corner of the room where Kelly had stood for the last hour, but the table was empty. "Where is he?"_

_"He hasn't moved since we came." Cruz answered instead of Herrmann, having not looked at the Squad Lt. for a while._

_"He's gone." Herrmann's scared voice frightened them all. It was true, Kelly was nowhere to be seen. _

_"Crap." Casey cursed, dialling his mobile, but it went straight to voice mail. That had been the last time they had seen Kelly for 5 weeks. No one knew where he had gone, or if he was even going to come back to them. _

_Boden remembered the relief he had felt after Casey had called one morning, telling him he had found Severide in one piece near some God forsaken lake. Chief had even felt a wave of happiness when his Lt. had finally returned to 51 six weeks after the tragedy, but his happiness had quickly been replaced with more worry with Kelly, after seeing that he was still the wreck from six weeks earlier, doing a dangerous job._

_***End of flashback***_

"I feel perfectly fine, Chief." Kelly lied just as Casey, Gabby and Ottis joined them in the locker room.

"You know what, Kelly, I'm starting to think that you don't like my spare bedroom." Matt attempted a joke, a joke that was meant to provoke some sort of an honest response, outburst even.

"You two might need some time alone." Severide said, referring to Matt and Dawson. Boden shook his head, not bothering to hide how annoyed with Kelly's behavior he was.

"Don't you think it's time you stopped pretending that...that she isn't dead?" Dawson suddenly asked. The truth was, she was still waking up every morning, thinking that she would ride in the ambo next to her best friend, laughing at Shay's jokes, going to Molly's afterwards. But quickly after opening her eyes, she would realize that this would never happen again and it had all been just a dream, beautiful dream.

"Don't go there!" Kelly barked icily, his eyes watering. Not wanting to stand there and be criticized anymore, he stormed out the locker room, straight to his quarters, locking the door behind. There, on his desk, was the photo of him, kissing the back of Shay's head on a cold night out, the same photo that had been in their apartment for years to illustrate their friendship. Taking the photo in his hands, he just let the tears fall.

xxx

"Casey, a word, in my office." Boden ordered just after Kelly left. "This..." Chief exclaimed, making sure to close the door. "can't continue any longer! Severide is turning into a danger for everyone in this firehouse!"

"Chief." Matt sighed. "You know that the only thing keeping him from falling apart is this job. You take away his squad, I don't even wanna think of what's gonna happen."

"I know!" Boden exclaimed, feeling lost. "But I have to protect all of my people and right now I've no idea how to do it without losing Kelly."

"I get it." Matt admitted, feeling the same. "Just give him some more time, I'll talk to him again after shift." He remembered promising Kelly to take care of him at the hospital, just after the building collapse.

_***Flashback***_

_"With some rehab, he'll be back on full duty in about 6-7 weeks." A doctor kindly explained Mills condition to the men and woman from the firehouse who were waiting to hear news on Mills in the waiting room of Chicago Med. Donna, Platt, Herrmann's wife, Mills family, Antonio and Erin were all there. Everyone had been examined after the explosion to be declared in good health, but now they were all waiting to hear news about their fallen brother, having just lost one of their own._

_Kelly was sitting on the floor, in the corner of the room, curled into a ball, his back leaning against the wall. He hadn't heard anything of what the doctor had just said besides the word okay, and honestly, he didn't want to hear anything. The past few hours were a blur in his head, but he knew one thing, a thing he wished he could forget - Leslie Shay, his best friend, was gone._

_"Did anyone tell Mills..." But Cruz stopped in the middle of the sentence, seeing everyone dark faces. They still couldn't grasp the events from earlier. It couldn't be true. They were still hurting after the loss of Darden, and now...now another member of their family had fallen. "I'll do it." He declared, heading for the corridor where Mills room was. _

_Matt followed Erin's concerned eyes that she fixed on Kelly. He hadn't moved an inch since sitting in that corner, after giving the doctors a hard time examining him. Nobody was used to seeing their Lt. so weak and desperate, not even after losing Darden. That day, Shay had suppressed her grief in order to be there and help her best friend. She had taken him home, she had been near his bed when he had had nightmares, wondering whether he could have vented the roof. _

_"Casey, I'll take Gabby home, I've already called mum." Antonio mumbled. Casey got the hidden message - he had to be there for Kelly. He knew Gabby needed him as well, but her mum and whole family could do more for her than him. Matt took deep breath and kneeled in front of his friend, hoping to get some sort of a response. _

_"Let's go to my apartment, I have a spare room." He whispered, trying to keep what he was about to say private. "There is nothing we can do here." Matt added when Kelly didn't make the effort to respond. He couldn't just leave, couldn't go without her. Leaving would mean that it wasn't all just some sort of a nasty joke, would mean that she won't come out of nowhere laughing at her own prank. _

_"No..." Matt could barely hear Kelly's desperate voice. "She would...she would..." He let out a cry, head still buried into his hands."I need her to...come back." _

_"I know...but she ain't coming back." Casey knew it was harsh to say it, but somebody had to. He had to put some effort to hide the tears in his own eyes from Kelly._

_"No...no...She's everything I have..."_

_"You have me...us!" Matt looked at the people around them. "I'm here for you...we'll get through this, together!"_


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you all for the support and reviews, you're awesome! I know that there isn't much action in this part but I had to write it to set the scene for the following chapters. Please read and review! Any suggestions for the future development of the story are welcomed and much appreciated!

Warning: The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!

Chapter 2

For a first night in a week Kelly made his way to Matt's place after having a couple of shots at Molly's with the guys. He was a bit annoyed that nobody had taken him seriously about the trip to Vegas, but he had already made up his mind - he was going there, with our without his Squad buddies. Casey had told Gabby to make sure Kelly gets to their place this time and had gone home early to wait for his friend. So after the second beer and third tequila shot, Cruz and Ottis had made sure to get Kelly a taxi home.

Kelly frowned, having just stepped into the living room. Matt was sitting on the couch, looking too serious for the mood the squad Lt. was in. So he decided to just ignore him and headed towards the guest room, feeling Casey's eyes piercing through his back.

"If you wanna say something, just say it!" Severide snapped, getting tired of the pity Matt was looking him with. Instead of getting into the room, he turned around, ready for the confrontation that was about to happen.

"Vegas, huh?"

"If you're gonna lecture me again, I'm out of here." Kelly threatened, looking at the door.

"Can we just talk?" Matt replied as calmly as possible.

"About?"

"The way you're dealing, or can I say, avoid dealing with Shay's dead." The mentioning of her name immediately triggered tears in Kelly's blue eyes. Hi sighted, but made his way to the couch and just crashed next to Matt without looking at him. "Getting pissed here, or in Vegas, won't bring her back." Casey told him quietly and it felt like Kelly wasn't gonna say anything, again. But for his surprise, he heard the "no" his friend uttered with the corner of his mouth. "Then what are you doing? – Trying to get yourself, or somebody else on shift killed? You know, every single night when I wake up in the middle of the night and you're not here I wonder if you've ended up in a ditch! Then after you show up on shift looking like hell I have to tell people that it's just a rough time for you and you'll come to your senses soon, but you know what Kelly, I don't believe that anymore myself."

A barely noticeable smile crossed Kelly's face and disappeared as quickly as it had come, replaced by more sadness. "You sound just like her." He mumbled more to himself than to Matt.

"So maybe I'm right. Listen, the only way to get past this is to allow yourself to grief, not pretend that nothing's happened. Sooner or later you'll have to admit to yourself that she is gone!"

"I know! She died in my hands, remember?!"

"It's not your fault!"

"Yea…" Kelly murmured ironically. "Shay used to say that after Andy died, because I couldn't vent the roof…She was the only one I could trust, man!

"You can trust me."

"Better not…anyone who gets close to me gets hurt." And like that, Kelly jumped up and locked himself into Matt's guest room, leaving Casey to stare at the empty spot on the couch.

Xxx

Next morning Kelly got up early and sneaked out of the apartment just before Gabby went into the kitchen to make some coffee. She was feeling tired after having discussed the conversation between her boyfriend and Kelly with Casey until 4am the previous night. She heard the slamming of the door, but couldn't do anything to bring him back. Dawson could feel his pain…the same pain that had settled into her heart. But she had her exciting new life of a firefighter to distract her from the bad memories…what Kelly had was the alcohol. Even though Dawson was concerned about her friend, she wasn't really in a place to offer him any comfort. This was eating her inside out as she did want to do something, anything, to erase the pain from Kelly's heart. She was sick and tired of watching him destroy his life and career, and what's more, she knew that Shay wouldn't have wanted that. But every time she had tried having a word with Kelly, he had made sure to push her back with harsh comments and bitter words that had made her feel terrible.

_***Flashback***_

_Dawson, Casey, Boden, Otis and Cruz were already at the cemetery Shay funeral was going to be held at. It was a dark, cloudy day but the pain in their hearts was so much that no one could really feel the cold. Through all the people who had come to say their last goodbyes to their dear friend, they could see Shay's parents talking to the priest. They were nice people in their sixties, who despite not being very close to their daughter were deeply hurt by her loss._

"_I'm so sorry Wallace." Boden was pulled out of his memories by Benny Severide's voice. Yes, he had promised Voight that he would stay out of Chicago for a while, but he couldn't miss the funeral. He hadn't been there for a big part of his son's life, but Benny knew how important Shay was for Kelly and couldn't leave him alone again._

"_Thanks..."_

"_Kelly?" Severide senior asked after not seeing his son anywhere around._

"_Over there." Ottis pointed a dark figure in the distance, away from all the people. Kelly was leaning against a tall tree, trying desperately to avoid everyone's looks and questions. He had come to the funeral with Casey and Gabby and unfortunately had met Shay's parents just after getting out the car. They had made it clear that they blamed him for their daughter's death, hearting him even more if that was possible. Deep down Kelly knew they were just looking for somebody to blame in order to supress their pain and he was the easiest target, but he already felt guilty enough. He had snapped at them harshly before heading away to avoid further confrontations._

"_That's not fair." Gabby mumbled without taking her eyes off Kelly. She knew exactly how her friend was feeling, knew what heavy weigh her own guilt was and couldn't imagine anyone dumping more on them. "It's not his fault." Having said this she let go of Matt's firm grip and walked to the place Kelly was standing. _

"_Your dad's here" Dawson didn't know what else to say. Actually, she had no idea how to help Kelly but she couldn't just let him stand there alone. Shay would have killed her for not being there for him._

"_Great, he just won a "dad of the year" medal." Kelly smirked sarcastically, not giving a damn who was there…all that mattered was who wasn't, who would never be there again. He didn't want to look at the group of people from 51 as it would remind him that one person was missing, the one person in the world he truly loved._

"_Come on, everyone's over there, you need to be with friends." Dawson pushed him further._

"_What I need is for people to stop telling me what I need or have to do!" Kelly barked louder than he intended. "Look Dawson, if you wanna sooth you guilty conscious by saving somebody or playing the hero I am not the right man, sorry! Go find another victim!" _

_***end of flashback***_

_xxx_

Kelly drove to the nearest coffee place to get the so much needed cup of hot steaming Americano. He put his cup on a table at the corner of the room and took out his mobile, calling the first Vegas hotel that popped up in his mind to book a room. He didn't care how much this trip would cost him – all that mattered was having so much fun that he would finally forget about…about everything. He had been trying to do that, forget, for over two months now, but the nasty world just kept reminding him about her, about his loss. The memories of Shay were everywhere – at 51, Molly's, the car he had managed to sell ten days earlier, not to mention people constantly reminding him that she was dead… He had been avoiding driving past their old apartment building, shops and bars they used to go to. And still, the pain was embedded into his heart like a nail into a coffin, not leaving space for other feelings.

Kelly spent the rest of the day fixing the boat of an ex firefighter in his late sixties he had pulled out of a fire long time ago. He and Shay had put a lot of effort to save the man and his wife from their burning home one cold December night and ever since then the old couple had been trying to return the favour by being there for them whenever they needed. George had asked Kelly to have a look at the engine of his boat, named after his younger daughter who he had lost because of cancer 25 years earlier, and Kelly had happily agreed. Having something to work on was the only way for him to stop thinking about her and avoid getting drunk in a desperate attempt to switch off his brain.

"I miss the sparkle in your eyes." The man, George, approached him with two cold beers in hand. "You have to start taking care of yourself, boy. Why don't you come home for dinner tonight, Trudy would love to see you?"

"Better not…I'm not the best company right now."

"Come on, you have been avoiding us since…"

"Please…don't say it." Kelly closed his eyes, suppressing his emotions. Every time anyone mentioned Shay, or the fact that she was gone, a wave of tears immediately flooded his eyes. He was sick and tired of people seeing them, seeing how weak he was.

"Kelly, listen, I lost a child 25 years ago and it still hurts to even think about her. You'll have to accept it sooner or later or it will eat you alive."

"How?! We were supposed to be there for each other, always…and I wasn't there!...We were in a tough spot. I had plans to take her on a trip to Vegas and simply forget about the rest of the world, play some crabs, talk about the things going on in our lives… ironically the world had other plans for us, huh?!"

"You still blame yourself, don't you?" George looked into the filled with terror blue eyes of his friend. Kelly had never said it loudly, but it was clear that he felt guilty about calling Shay into that building and leaving the MEs alone to check on their victim.

"If I have called them a minute later…if I have stayed to make sure everything was alright she would…!"

"Too many if's, don't you think so?" George cut him off before Kelly had the chance to finish. "Both of you did exactly what you had to do. I'm not saying it's fair, Kelly, but it's not your fault…and please, don't do anything stupid on that trip you're planning."

"Who told you?" Kelly grimaced, already knowing the answer. After the fire in George house it had turned out that he and Boden knew each other from before.

"Everyone's worried about you!"

"I don't care. I already said that to Chief – I do my job, but my life outside the firehouse is my business."

"Okay. I'm not getting into that with you right now." George gave up, feeling that Kelly was getting agitated. "Come on, let's go home, you can fix that boat another time."

"No…thanks for the invitation but I'm gonna fix the engine and head back. Say hello to Trudy from me…Another time maybe."

"As you wish my boy…just keep in mind that you're always welcomed into our home, no matter when, what time or in what circumstances, you hear me?"

"Yeah".

Xxx

Kelly spent the rest of the night at a random bar, drinking alone. He didn't go to Matt's apartment afterwards, avoiding having another argument. Instead, he crawled into his quarters a few minutes after 4am, grateful that Second Watch was on a call and there was nobody to lecture him. What he didn't know was that Second Watch Chief was in a hospital and Boden had agreed to cover his shift.

Chief and the other guys returned half an hour later, having been called at a crash scene between two trucks. Boden grabbed a cup of coffee from the kitchen and headed towards his office to fill in some paperwork when noticed that the lights in Kelly's bunk area were on. Stepping closer, he took a look through the only window without blinds on and noticed his Lt.'s jacket laying on the floor. Nothing else could be seen inside but Boden assumed that Kelly was probably already asleep after a night out. There was no point in knocking on the door to wake him up as an argument with a drunk Kelly would not prove to be very effective, probably pushing him even further away from them.

"What am I gonna do with you?!" Chief uttered quietly, heading to his office. He closed the door and crashed on his chair, leaving all the paperwork for later. His thoughts were preoccupied with worry about the dead man walking. Ironically, the only person able to get through to Kelly was the source of his pain this time. Half an hour later Boden silently made the decision to give his Lt. the chance to go to that trip to Vegas. He was hoping that a trip with the Squad guys would help and allow them to bond, and talk. But what also was in Chief's mind was that he was done watching one of the best firefighters he had ever met destroy his life like that. He was going to approach Severide at the end of their shift and tell him that it was either quitting drinking after coming back from Vegas, or losing Squad. What Boden didn't know was that Kelly was going to end up going there on his own, without anyone to stop him from doing anything stupid like marrying a woman that would bring even more troubles.


	3. Chapter 3

_Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and your families! I want to say a big thank you to all of you who read my story and review, I can't describe what your support means to me! I hope you enjoy today's day, as well as this chapter! The next one is in progress and I hope that I'll be able to update soon._

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

Chapter 3

"_Help me…help me…" Kelly heard Shay's whisper. He was running through the building that had just exploded, looking for her. Story after story, room after room, she was nowhere to be seen in the chaos around. "You promised…help me."_

"Shaaay!" Kelly yelled in his sleep_. "Come on, Shay…where are you?..._Shaaay?"

"_Help me…why did you call me inside? Why?"_

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry" He kept mumbling without waking up. His whole body was trembling, tears running down his pale face. Even the noise of Casey, storming into the room, didn't wake him up.

"Kelly! Kelly! Come on, wake up!...Severide!" Matt yelled, slapping his friend on the face gently. He watched, worried, as Kelly's watery eyes snapped wide open. The emptiness in those blue eyes and the expression on his face, Matt could never forget. It was something beyond pain or sadness, something that nobody had yet described in words.

"Take it easy." Casey told him sympathetically, literally pushing a glass of water into his right hand. Matt's worry grew even further when Kelly didn't move, let alone take a sip of the cold liquid. "I'll be back." Truck's Lt. disappeared into the living room, where Dawson was waiting impatient to know what had just happened. They had been abruptly awakened by their friend's yells just before 5am, without even knowing that Kelly had made it home that night. That was his first night back after the Vegas trip, but Kelly being Kelly had told nobody if and when he had intended to come back.

Nothing had changed when Matt got back to his spare room 5 minutes later, besides that the glass of water was now laying on the floor, half empty.

"If you wanna talk about it…"

"I don't!" Severide snapped back. All of a sudden he stood up, ran into the bathroom and locked the door. All Matt could hear for the next hour was the shower running and if the circumstances were any different, he would have made a joke about the water bill they were going to get.

Over an hour later the whole apartment smelled like Gabby's pancakes. There hadn't been any point in going back to sleep as it was shift day and they had to be up early anyways. So Dawson had decided to kill some time by making a nice breakfast for the three of them. Matt had asked her to just pretend that nothing had happened, because he thought that Kelly might actually be embarrassed.

"Morning." Kelly appeared at 6.30am fully dressed, shaved and with a suspiciously big smile on his face. He was trying to hide behind a façade, but nobody was buying it.

"Morning." Dawson couldn't help it, but looked at the squad Lt. as if he was crazy. "We have pancakes, chocolate and strawberry syrup…"

"Great, but I gotta go. See you at the station!" Kelly headed towards a small hotel not far away from the house where his new wife, Brittany, had spent the night. He had had to crash at Matt's place as all his personal belongings for work were there and he was on shift on the next day. The only thing Seeveride wanted was to forget about the nightmare he had just had and the person who could help him do that was that woman. A small part of his brain was telling him that trusting Brittany the way he was, wasn't such a good idea. But the other part desperately needed someone to rely on the way he had on Shay and there wasn't a better person than one who had also lost a part of themselves.

"Kelly, wait…!" Gabby yelled after him, but he was already out. "He's slipping away." She grimaced, remembering that Matt had used the exact same words not that long ago. Normally, Gabriella Dawson wasn't a religious woman, but she put her pancake back on her plate and went into their bedroom. She looked at the photo of Shay, smiling brightly, that was standing on her nightstand. "He needs you." Gabby was sobbing in front of the photo. "We need you…you'd have probably said that I'm crazy if you could." She smirked, letting the tears go. "God…please help us get through this, Shay, 'cuz I swear I've no idea how to do it."

Xxx

To say that people were shocked to hear about their Lt's marriage in Vegas was underestimation. The pool Ottis and Cruz had made was their way to demonstrate that, for them, it was all a huge mistake. Herrmann and Mouch had another strategy – wait a little while until things start going south and then talk Kelly out of it. Gabby, on the other hand, couldn't hide her annoyance, but she was trying to deal with it. Matt was trying to show his support and be by his friend's site. Boden was watching from distance to get a better feeling of what exactly was going on. He really wanted to believe that it wasn't just some sort of a theatre and Kelly wasn't doing it only to avoid dealing with the real world. Matt had already had Antonio check Brittany's past and had shared his findings with Boden. It looked like she also had been going through a lot and at first they had thought that she might actually be the one who knew how to bring Kelly back to life. But what happened at the helicopter crash scene made Boden change his mind quickly. First, Brittany had arrived there, terrified that something terrible would happen with Kelly. Then Severide demonstrating his self-destructive behaviour by getting into the helicopter that was about to fall down and her reaction to that. One didn't have to be a psychologist to see that Kelly was looking at Brittany as the only one who cared about him. For him, she was another victim of the nasty world, who he could save, unlike Shay. What made both Casey and Boden worried was the feeling that Brittany's fears were incompatible with Kelly's job and that would lead to big troubles sooner or later.

"Severide!" Boden barked as Squad was preparing to leave the scene. "What…"

"Cut her some slack, Chief…She's just worried."

"Everyone's family's worried! Do you see them at accident scenes?!"

"Just…let it go…let's go!" He ordered his men and disappeared before Boden could say another word. It was clear that Kelly was annoyed with his wife's behaviour and it took him a lot not to show it in front of so many other firefighters.

Xxx

"_Shaaay…come on Shay…come on…" Kelly found himself kneeling besides Shay's lifeless body. A pool of blood had formed under her head, but her eyes were open, staring directly at him. It was like they were separated from the rest of the world by an invisible barrier and there was no way to escape. _

"_Why did you have to call me in here?...Why, Kelly?" Shay demanded, the only part of her body moving were her lips._

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I'm sorry." Kelly was sobbing loudly. His nightmare didn't go unnoticed by Brittany, or by Casey and Dawson, but they decided to let the couple deal with it alone, for Kelly's sake.

"Hey…wake up…wake up." Brittany touched Kelly's face gently, not wanting to scare him further. He had been having nightmares about Shay and the exploded building ever since Vegas. That unsurprisingly coincided with him quitting having huge amounts of alcohol every day, which apparently had helped him a lot to get relatively good night sleeps. Brittany had made him promise he would stop drowning his sorrows in alcohol and face the reality, and that was what Kelly had been trying to do, but the reality was uglier that he had anticipated. He couldn't get rid of the feeling that he had been the one to ask his best friend to go inside the building and that guilt was threatening to destroy him. Brittany had noticed that the nightmares had been getting worse every single night, but she had been avoiding saying anything as she knew pretty well what he had been going through.

"Talk to me." Brittany said gently, after Kelly had spent 5 minutes laying in bed, staring at the ceiling.

"It's…nothing." He said, looking at the clock. It was only 5 am, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to go to sleep again, even though he was so tired. The nightmares hadn't been allowing him to get much sleep and it was starting to affect his behaviour, making him as grumpy as before. "I'm going to work." He declared, having sat on the edge of the bed for another couple of minutes.

"Don't…let's decide what we're gonna do for Thanksgiving." Brittany tried to stop him, the fear that something bad would happen to him obsessing her mind again. "You said your dad lives nearby. I wanna meet him. Why don't the three of us go out for dinner or something?" She suggested, not revealing that she and her sister had always had fancy Thanksgiving dinners together and she was looking for a way to continue the tradition.

"He…he has another family to be with." Kelly found a way to decline the suggestion quickly. "Listen, plan whatever you fancy." He added, but his voice was showing that he really did not care about the upcoming holidays. He had always spent those days with Shay, getting drunk and ending up at weird places, and the memories of those happy moments were just too much for him right now. "Look, baby, I have to shower and go."

"Promise me you'd be careful." Brittany demanded with a serious voice.

"Come on, don't do that again!" He snapped.

"I'm not doing anything! I'm just worried!"

"Well, you knew what I do before you married me! Deal with it!" Kelly told her just before he disappeared into the bathroom.

Xxx

"Wow, did he wake up on the wrong side of the bed today?" Herrmann exclaimed after Kelly had just snapped at Tony for not having a full tank of gas, and then at Ottis for asking him how Brittany had been doing. Severide had been acting like that since their shift had started, but had been trying to keep his temper in check by spending most of his time in his quarters, and trying to get at least half an hour of sleep. But every time he had closed his eyes, his mind had ended up back at the building where they had lost Shay, and those nightmares were a bigger torture for him than the sleep deprivation. Kelly opted to have another go at sleeping and missed dinner, while everyone from Truck and Squad had gone into the kitchen, where Dawson had made huge amounts of chicken with cream and freshly baked potatoes.

"Something like that…just let him be." Casey's tone put an end to their conversation. It didn't mean that the Truck Lt. wasn't worried, but he knew that letting the whole firehouse know about Kelly's nightmares wouldn't help his friend. Matt didn't miss the look Boden gave him, a look that meant that he would ask questions, later. Chief was happy that his two lieutenants were finally bonding and having each other's backs, something he had deeply missed after Andy's death, but he couldn't get rid of the feeling that Casey was doing Kelly a bad favour by hiding what was really going on.

"_Ambulance 61, Squad 3, Truck 81…" _The alarm sounded, ending their dinner before it had even started.

"C'mon…can't I just get some food today?!" Mouch complained on his way to truck. He was right, that was their third call for the day. The first one had been a small fire in a warehouse 10 minutes after shift had started, the second one – a terrible crash between 5 cars at lunch time, and now that one – structure fire in an apartment building with at least 50 apartments, in the evening, meaning a lot of people being at home.

The guys from 51 were the first to arrive, followed by houses 66 and 108, but the smoke coming out the building had already turned black. Boden took a quick glance at the building and all the people running around and sighed, knowing that his guys had only a couple of minutes to save whoever they could.

"Squad, search and rescue, you don't have long!" Chief yelled.

"Copy that, Chief. Let's move it! We're taking the top floor and moving down!" Severide ordered, knowing that Truck would probably start by venting the roof and helping people out.

Not wasting any more time, Kelly ran inside, locating the stairs quickly. In distance, he could hear Herrmann, Dawson and Cruz guiding people out, but the smoke was too thick to allow him to see where exactly they were. He made his way to the top floor, where fire was already consuming the roof and started going through the apartments as quickly as possible. Fortunately, it looked like most of the people had escaped, and the few who hadn't could move on they own, so Tony and Capp were helping them out.

"The roof is gonna collapse any minute now!" Ottis yelled through his radio, just as Kelly was preparing to search the last two apartments.

"Everyone out! Pull back! I repeat, pull back!" Boden ordered, watching the amount of black smoke coming out the building with concern. Hermann and Mouch were the first to get out, each supporting a girl under their arms. Two paramedics got the injured and another three were standing by, ready to help the next people who came out. Cruz and Dawson carried out an old woman, while her husband was barely walking a few steps behind them. Next, Casey and Ottis emerged with three kids, the youngest, a boy about 2 years old, was hidden under the Lt's jacket.

Another patch of black smoke came out and Chief looked at the people who were already out, mentally counting them. "Severide, what's your status?!"

"I'm nearly done, Chief. Need another minute!"

"Severide, get out, now!" Boden hissed through greeted teeth. It felt like his Squad Lt. was determined to give him a heart attack one day. For his relief, Capp, Tony and Newhouse appeared through what was left of the main entrance of the building, leading out more casualties.

"Where's Severide?" Capp asked Newhouse, confused, as the latter had been the one closest to their Lt.

"Ordered me to get out!" Newhouse answered in frustration. Actually, Kelly had told him to either leave the building immediately, or look for a new job.

Chief opened his mouth to yell at Severide, but an explosion on the fourth floor echoed through the air. The blast knocked Kelly down on the covered in ashes floor of one of the apartments. The impact between his back and the hard surface made him grasp in pain, leaving him short of breath. It took him a minute to realize that the blast had dislocated his mask. He reached out to pull it away and then put it back on his face, fighting the dizziness.

"Help me!" A terrified voice, shriek, came from the apartment he hadn't had the chance to search yet. _"Help me…help me…" _Shay's voice, the same as in his nightmares, sounded in Kelly's oxygen deprived mind. "Is there anyone? Please!" He tried to pull it together when the girl yelling for help started chocking. Severide managed to stand up and ran to the next apartment, kicking the door open. It didn't take him long to see the blond girl curled into a ball near one of the corners of the living room. She was barely breathing, having inhaled a lot of smoke.

"I have another one, Chief!" He reported, not sure if his radio was still working. "We're coming through the back!" When Kelly took a second glance at the girl he noticed that she was fading away way too quickly, even though she was still struggling to get some air. Not thinking twice, he broke one of the most important rules in firefighting by pulling out his mask and putting it on her face, then grabbed her into his strong hands and headed towards the stairs. Kelly had only managed to get to the area between the second and the first floor, using the unstable emergency stairwell, when a loud hissing noise was followed by the collapsing of the whole structure over his head. He felt something hard connect with his helmet that made him lose balance. He stumbled on a burning piece of wood and fell on what was left of the stairs, hitting the back of his head badly. His helmet fell down the stairs into an open flame.

"Mayday, mayday…" Kelly pulled all his strength to reach his radio and ask for assistance, just before his whole world went blank.


	4. Chapter 4

_Guys, you're awesome! Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. _

_Warning__: The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer__: I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 4**

"_Mayday, mayday…" Kelly pulled all his strength to reach his radio and ask for assistance, just before his whole world went blank._

"Damn it! Severide! Severide!" Boden yelled, holding the radio so tight that it was about to break into pieces. Everyone was staring at him, terrified that they may lose another one. "Severide!"

"I'm going in." Casey didn't even wait for a response. He grabbed a thermal camera and masked up, not wasting a second more. With the corner of his eyes he could see Boden put on his own mask and helmet, leaving Herrmann in charge in front of the building. Brett and Mills were waiting impatiently by the emergency exit, as was everyone else, ready to spin into action as soon as they were needed.

When Chief and Casey ran inside, they were blinded by the darkness and all the smoke, the only light was created by the flames burning around them. The two of them took opposite directions, hoping to reach their fallen friend faster. Truck Lt. had barely made a few steps when he heard the sound of Kelly's alarm, indicating that he wasn't moving. He looked up and caught a glance of the bright light coming from his friend's torch – half a story above him.

"Chief, the stairs between second and first floor!" Matt yelled, running through the darkness. His heart almost came to a stop when a part of the roof collapsed where Boden was supposed to be searching. "Chief?"

"I'm okay!" Go!" Boden replied immediately, appearing from nowhere. Matt couldn't afford to waste any time, but he made a mental note to ask Chief how he had managed to do it.

On his way upstairs, Casey stumbled on the fallen figure of the blond girl, wearing Kelly's oxygen mask. "Crap!" Flames were already consuming her body and the Lt. did all he could to move her body a few steps up, away from the flames. Third degree burns were visible on her hands and cheeks, but fortunately, she still had a slight pulse.

"I got her!" Boden barked, grabbing the girl and heading out. He didn't want to leave his Lt. alone, but she didn't have much time left.

When Matt reached Kelly, he noticed a small sporadic movement of his hand, but his eyes were shut tightly, his breathing shallow. Matt looked around, attempting to locate Kelly's helmet, but it wasn't anywhere around. "Damn it, Kelly!" Matt cursed, grabbing his friend by the arm. "Come on, buddy, help me out here!" Matt shook Severide hard enough to actually bring him back to consciousness. He could hear him grasp for air. Another piece of roof collapsed with an enormous thunder and Casey realized that he had no time to assess if his friend was injured. They needed to get out of there immediately and worry about the consequences later. Battling zero visibility, Matt dragged Kelly's heavy body to the emergency exit. As soon as they set foot outside, Herrmann ran towards them, grabbing Kelly's other site, releasing his grip only after the Lt. was sat on a gurney. Brett put an oxygen mask over his face, while Mills was taking his pulse and checking his breathing.

"IF YOU WANNA KILL YOURSELF, DON'T DO IT ON SHIFT!" Casey blew off, throwing his mask on the ground next to the gurney. "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!"

Instead of answering, Kelly looked away, focusing on the two paramedics who were fighting for the girl's life…Her resemblance with Shay was so strong that she could easily be Shay's little sister.

"How's she?" Kelly finally spoke, having removed the oxygen mask. Mills gave him a disapproving look and tried to put it back on, but the Lt. made it clear he didn't want the mask any more.

"Stay still." Brett scolded him, avoiding answering his question. The truth was that the girl didn't look well at all and they feared that it could only upset Kelly furthermore. "Okay, now squeeze my hand."

"Leave me alone…I'm fine!" Severide barked, preparing to jump off the gurney and go check on the girl himself. But Brett, having sensed what was going through the Lt's mind, pushed him back.

"You're not going anywhere!" She declared calmly. "You've inhaled a lot of smoke, have burns and probably a mild consciousness, so you're going to a hospital, now!"

"I said I'm fine!" Kelly repeated icily, as if he couldn't care less for his own health.

"THAT'S NOT UP FOR A DEBATE!" Boden's anger exploded. "Go and make sure he stays there!" He ordered Mills, resisting the urge to just fire his lieutenant there and then. Kelly gave up and let his body relax on the gurney, closing his eyes to avoid seeing the looks people were giving him. He could feel the adrenalin in his blood disappear, leaving him extremely tired and weak. The realization of what had just happened suddenly hit him. He knew he had screwed up badly, jeopardizing the lives of others, but the only thing that mattered at the end was the life of the girl.

Brett putt the oxygen mask back on his face, while Casey helped Mills load the gurney into the ambo. As angry as Matt was, every fibre of his body wanted to get on the ambo and go to the hospital with them to make sure Kelly was fine. But with one lieutenant down, they couldn't afford for him to go.

"You drive." Brett literally ordered Mills, hopping on the back of the ambo. She already knew Kelly well enough to know that what he needed on his way to the hospital was somebody who wouldn't judge him and ask questions, not someone who had gone through the same Squad training and knew the books inside out.

Xxx

51 returned to the firehouse two hours after Kelly had been taken to the hospital. To take her mind off the events from earlier that night, Dawson stormed into the kitchen and reheated all the food she had made earlier, rushing everyone to have dinner. Fifteen minutes later, everyone was sat around the table, but the atmosphere was like someone had just died, even Pouch was laying on the floor with his paws covering the front of his nose.

"This place needs cheering up!" Herrmann's fork landed on his plate with a bang. It wasn't until people looked at him expectantly that he realized that this time he had no idea how to lift their spirit.

"Free Zumba class." Cruz jumped out his seat, excited. "Seriously guys, tomorrow afternoon!"

"And then 50% off drinks at Molly's" Herrmann added, starting to feel a tiny bit better. Their small chat was interrupted by Boden's phone. The conversation he had lasted no longer than a minute, but it was evident that it put his mind at easy at least a little bit.

"It was Mills. Severide has a mild consciousness and some bruises, but his lungs are clear. They'll keep him overnight just in case." Boden pushed his chair aside and stood up, leaving his plate half full. "Casey, my office after you're done here." Matt followed him two minutes later, having barely touched his food.

"Kelly has been having nightmares for weeks…" Casey admitted. He couldn't stop thinking that he should have stepped up earlier. "I'm not sure when the last time he actually slept was."

"I can't let him come back! What he did today crossed the line!" Chief barked, letting the fact that his Lt. had hidden important information slide – they could not change the past.

"I know." Casey agreed, rubbing his forehead. "Kelly needs professional help."

"The union has a strong program for firefighters who had lost close ones on the job."

"Severide's not listening to anybody…how you would make him go?!" Matt felt lost.

"I'm taking away his Squad. Capp would cover for him for a while. Severide might say a lot of things, but he still loves this job…he either gets better, or loses it."

Casey didn't say anything for a long moment. Actually, he wasn't confident that the plan was any good. What if Severide didn't care enough for the job anymore? "Okay...come to my place for dinner tomorrow evening and let's try and have a normal conversation with him."

"Good." Boden nodded, running his fingers through his hair. "Call Brittany and make sure she doesn't go to the hospital. Mills said that they've given him sedatives to calm him down and he'll probably sleep through the night…just tell her he'll be alright."

Xxx

"Shay…Shay?" Kelly's eyes snapped open, the nightmares not allowing him to get the rest he needed. Instinctively, his eyes searched for Shay, who had always been near his bed at hospitals, but this time she wasn't there. No one was. He looked at the clock on the wall – 6.53 am. The last thing he remembered was the ambulance ride with Brett, and then nurses asking him many questions he couldn't answer. He had a feeling that he had been given sedatives or else he couldn't explain why he didn't remember anything beyond that point. Frankly, Kelly was feeling like he had been ran down by a train, but he wanted to get out the hospital as soon as possible. His thoughts were interrupted by a middle-aged nurse who popped in to check on him.

"Oh, you're awake…" The nurse smiled, but he didn't return the gesture. "How are you feeling?"

"Great!" Kelly's attempted lie couldn't fool the nurse. "Can I go now?"

"I was informed that a friend of yours, Matthew Casey, is picking you up later today." She simply stated, emphasizing on the later today part.

"I don't need a babysitter." Kelly frowned, annoyed.

"Mr. Severide, do you even care to know why you're here? We kept you overnight because you had suffered a head trauma, leading to mild consciousness. You have some nasty bruises on your back, not to mention the amount of smoke you have inhaled…so yes, you do need a babysitter to keep an eye on you for the next couple of days! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check on my other patients and bring you breakfast."

As soon as he couldn't hear her steps anymore, Kelly pushed himself up. He hadn't anticipated that standing upright would be as hard as it was, but he managed to gain control over his balance. He sneaked out quickly, getting in the elevator to the ground floor and then walked to the reception.

"Can I help you?" A dark haired nurse asked him suspiciously. She was actually concerned about what a pale looking man in hospital clothes was doing there.

"Yea…I'm looking for…" He stopped, having realized that he didn't know the name of the girl from the building. "A blonde girl…about 25…she was in an apartment building fire yesterday."

"Sorry sir, but if you're not family I cannot tell you."

"Come on…I was one of the firefighters on the scene." Kelly grimaced, desperate to find out how she was doing.

The nurse, Emma, fixed her eyes on him for what seemed like an eternity, wondering why he needed that information so desperately. Not sure if she was doing the right thing, she opened a long list of names on her desktop, scanning through it pretty quickly.

"Melissa Johnson, 26, admitted after a fire with 45% third degree burns…" Emma suddenly stopped reading, focusing her attention on the man in front of her. "She didn't make it through the night…I'm sorry." She added, feeling really sorry for Kelly. "Sir, are you okay?" She asked, worried, but the only thing Kelly did was to turn away and disappear behind the corner.

He had been walking around the corridor on autopilot for more than 5 minutes when he finally got tired and sat on the floor, leaning against the wall. What was left of Kelly's world had just fallen apart. He had failed, again, in the only thing keeping him alive – his job. He buried his face into his hands and let his mind take him back to the night at the burning boarding school when he had let a 10 years old boy almost burn to dead…then to Shay, dying in his hands…and now the girl.

"Kelly?" A familiar, confused voice startled him. He looked up and his eyes met Erin's. The pity in her eyes he could never forget. Halstead was standing right behind her, not sure what to say, or do. "What's happened? Why are you here?" Lindsay demanded some sort of an explanation, because, frankly, she got scared. It had been supposed to be a quick interrogation of a suspect at Chicago Med, and instead, they had ran into someone she hadn't really talked to in months.

"She's…she's dead." Kelly uttered through his sobs.

"I'll find Bob." Halstead told her, heading to another corridor. He wasn't in a hurry to question their suspect, but he thought that it might be better to give his partner and Kelly some privacy. Erin nodded approvingly, sitting on the floor next to the Lt.

"Kelly, tell me what's happened." She pushed further. "Did you get hurt on the job?"

"I…I tried to save her…but the roof collapsed…she looked like Shay." Erin sighed, building a picture of what's happened in her head.

"It's not your fault."

"I…I let her down…I let them down…I promised to be there for her, always." He didn't know why, but he felt like he could trust her.

Erin got the feeling that Kelly wasn't talking about the girl from the apartment fire anymore. "You didn't let anyone down!"

"Then why…why are they dead?" The question caught Lindsay off guard. How was she supposed to answer something like this?

"Life's unfair…" Erin couldn't do much to take away his pain, but she hugged him tight and sat there with him. Half an hour of sitting in silence later, Erin got Casey's number through Antonio, scarring the hell out of Matt after she told him in what frame of mind his friend was. It turned out that he was already on his way to the hospital and Matt used his car time to explain her everything about their call, not hiding how mad at Kelly for his stupid actions he was. Just after sliding her phone into her pocket, Erin got a call from Voight that they had e new lead and they had to act fast.

"Hey, let's get you to your room, okay?" She was glad that Kelly had calmed down enough to gain control over his emotions. He nodded slightly, getting up by supporting his weight on the wall. "Casey would be here any minute now, but I gotta go." Lindsay added, after he sat on his bed. She didn't want to leave him alone, but duty was calling.

"Thanks…for being here." Kelly gave her a sad smile just before she left the room.

Xxx

"Kelly, did you hear me?" Casey demanded, pulling over in front of his house. He had picked up his friend from the hospital 30 minutes earlier, driving home in complete silence. But just before turning left onto his street, Matt had decided to tell Severide exactly what the doctors had explained him.

"Yea." Kelly snapped out of his thoughts, having not heard a word of what Matt had said.

"You should take it easy for a couple of days…and that means no alcohol or partying" Casey repeated, getting out of the car. "Listen, Boden's coming for dinner to discuss some things…"

"Oh, come on!" Severide barked, slamming the door of Matt's car. "I don't need a lecture!"

"Yea?" Matt gave him a questioning look, losing the patience he had been trying to have. He unlocked the door of his place and went it, followed by Kelly a few steps back. "Tell me what exactly you do need, 'cuz I'm lost!" Luckily Dawson was in the living room and she stopped him from speaking further by putting a supporting hand on his shoulder.

"Shay…" Kelly didn't realize that he had said it loudly. He headed to the guest room, not even saying hello to Dawson. "What the hell?" He cursed, closing the door violently. Brittany was sitting on the bed, one hand resting on the handle of her purple suitcase. He could see the tears in her eyes, tears that meant that whatever they had had was over.

"I'm sorry." She got up and stepped so close to him that she could feel his warm breath. "I already lost my sister and I can't stay here and wonder if you're okay every time you're on shift and my phone rings…You've no idea what I felt when Matt called me last night"

"C'mon babe…I need you." Kelly pleaded, looking into her big eyes. But deep down he knew she was right – he couldn't change who he was and his job and actions were causing her more pain that she did not deserve.

"No…we both know that I cannot fill in the gap in here." Brittany placed her hand on his heart, touching his cheeks with the other. "Just as you can't fill in the gap in here." She moved her hand, pointing her own heart. "You know what, you actually gave me the courage to call my mum and face her…I don't think I would have ever been ready to do that if I hadn't met you…thank you, Kelly! I hope you find your way to get over her loss." Brittany kissed his cheek, pushing her suitcase through the door, saying how sorry she was to the couple in the living room. Kelly slowly slumped to the floor, leaning his back on the bed frame, fixing his eyes on the photo of Shay he had. "I can't do it anymore…" He uttered as if the photo could hear him and allowed the tears in his eyes to fall heavily on his face…

_Raindrops fall from everywhere_

_I reach out for you but you're not there_

_So I stood waiting in the dark_

_With your picture in my hands, story of a broken heart_

_I've searched my heart over so many, many times_

_No you and I is like no stars to light the sky at night_

_Our picture hangs up to remind me of the days_

_You promised me we'd always be and never go away_

_(Danity Kane - Stay With Me)_

_Xxx_

_**So, what do you think? I would love to know if you'd like to see more Erin/Kelly moments, so please review – any thoughts and comments are appreciated. Also, more angst and bromance are coming! **_


	5. Chapter 5

_Warning__: The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer__: I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 5**

One long, restless hour had passed since Brittany had left. Casey wanted to believe that it was for the better, that she and Kelly weren't made of the same cloth, but the truth was that she had been able to understand his pain and soothe him. Casey pressed his eyes shut for a brief moment, playing the events from the last hours in his head over and over again. He had went straight into the guest room after Brittany's departure, but Kelly had pushed him away. Sometimes Matt wondered how Shay had managed to get through to him so many times, but unfortunately, he could not answer this question. He knew that he had to figure it out quickly, or Severide would destroy himself.

"Damn it!" A loud, angry outcry and the sound of an object smashing against a wall came from the guest bedroom. Casey immediately put his third cup of coffee for the day on the small table and ran into the room, terrified of what he might see there. As he entered, a part of him was glad that he had sent Dawson to Molly's. The whole nightmare was like salt on an open wound to her.

Kelly was standing next to the nightstand, where the photo of Shay had used to be, his laptop laying on the carpet a few steps away. It took Matt only one look at the screen to see that his friend had been playing "The contract". He followed Kelly's eyes, which focused on the pieces of broken photo frame on the floor near the opposite wall.

"Don't do this to yourself." Casey pleaded, not able to understand why Kelly was hurting himself more by watching the video. He noticed that the Squad Lt. was barely standing on his feet, the recent injuries and his mental state had already drained all his strength. "Come on." Casey guided him to the bed. He couldn't help it but wonder if it was already too late to save his friend. Was there anything left of the Kelly Severide he knew?

"Let go of me, man!" Kelly growled and jerked his arm free, attempting to stand up, but his body was too weak for the challenge. Matt pushed him back on the bed, sitting next to him.

"Let go…" Squad Lt. mumbled again, not having the energy to fight his friend's gentle grip. What he really wanted was to run away and hide…not from Matt, but from the demons in his head.

"Listen to me!" Casey barked, not happy when Kelly turned his head around so that he couldn't see his face. But his voice was loud enough to snap Kelly out of whatever emotional crisis he was in. "You have to pull it together! You're not alone, you hear me?" Matt wasn't sure if it was his imagination, or he really saw a movement of Kelly's head that resembled a nod. "We'll figure this out, together."

There was a long moment of silence before Kelly got the courage to speak again. "I feel like…" He took a deep breath, not sure why he was saying it loudly. "I feel like I'm losing my mind."

"You are…I know it's hard to admit it, but you need help."

"I don't need anybody!" Kelly exhaled bitterly. He tried to mask it, but his voice sounded scared. He was terrified of losing whoever got close to him, again. Too many people had ripped his heart out by leaving him in one way or another.

"Okay!" Matt gave up when he felt like he couldn't get anywhere with a man who wasn't thinking straight. "But you need to do something for me - take a shower and get some sleep, while I make dinner. Deal?"

"I don't need a babysitter." Kelly growled, finally looking at the other Lt. with a scowl. He was on the verge of losing what control over his emotions he had gained in the past few minutes, so all Matt did was to exhale bitterly and leave him alone.

Xxx

_"Kelly…help me…" Kelly was watching as a numb witness how Shay grasped for her last breath, her body finally relaxing on the ground, her eyes closing for the very last time._

"Nooo!" He yelled, waking up. He had passed out on the bed an hour earlier from mental exhaustion. Kelly remembered taking a hot shower and putting on a pair of jeans, and a black hoodie before laying on the bed, fighting the sudden urge to hit the bed frame. He was sure that Casey had heard him scream and was glad when no one rushed into the room to ask him how he was.

Severide wiped out the sweat on his face and jumped off the bed rather quickly, something he started to regret after he felt the urge to throw up. He ran into the bathroom and spent the next ten minutes there, wondering if he could sneak out through the small window and avoid having to explain things to Casey.

"Here." Matt walked into the small bathroom, handing a towel to his friend. He had tried to give his friend some space but had started to worry after Kelly had stayed inside for that long. The doctors had warned him that, due to the mild consciousness, any sudden movement could lead to vomiting, and it wasn't like Kelly wasn't moving a lot, or getting the rest he needed.

Severide splashed some cold water on his face and took the towel gratefully. "Thanks." He uttered, throwing the towel on the floor and heading toward the kitchen. Truck Lt. watched in concern as Kelly opened the fridge, grabbed a beer and crashed on the couch.

"Getting drunk won't solve your problems."

"It would stop the nightmares."

"Until the next morning when you wake up hungover."

"I was perfectly fine until Brittany made me quit drinking."

Matt opened his mouth to protest, but a knock on the door stopped him. He let Boden in, showing him where to leave his jacket.

"Severide?" Chief's voice came out as a whisper, but Kelly was too lost into his own thoughts to hear him anyway. Boden was well aware of his Lt.'s emotional breakdown, because Casey had called him after Kelly had fallen asleep to update him.

"Was woken up by a nightmare…found my beer." Casey shrugged and went back into the living room, Boden following him, sitting on the coach opposite Kelly.

"How are you doing?" This time Chief directed the question to the Squad Lt.

"I've never felt better." Kelly lied, taking a sip of his drink. "By the way, you won the pool. Enjoy the money." He added sarcastically. No one was getting offended by his bitter remarks, mainly because they knew that he was trying to push them away.

"Yea." Boden sighted, deciding to help Matt with the food. A couple of minutes later, three plates of steak and steamed vegetables were served. The Lt. opened two beer bottles and handed one to Boden, before taking his place at the table.

"How's Donna doing?" Casey asked, putting some salad into his plate. With the corner of his eyes he was observing Kelly, who drank the last drops of beer left in the bottle but wasn't interested in the food at all.

"Her due day is next week and I cannot wait to get rid of the ticking hormone bomb at home." Chief smirked, not hiding his excitement. Baby Boden was the only good thing going on in his life lately, and he could not wait to take his wife and son home.

"Have you chosen a name already?"

Boden didn't get the chance to answer, as Kelly pushed his chair away abruptly and opened the fridge, scanning its content for the beer. Just as he was about to take one out, Matt's hand gripped his arm.

"You've had enough." Casey told him firmly, closing the fridge door.

"It's only a beer, Casey!"

"It's only a beer for someone who didn't suffer a head injury twenty-four hours ago!"

"Whatever…I'm going out!" Kelly had barely made two steps forward when Truck Lt. blocked his way.

"Severide!" Boden barked, getting up. "If you leave now, you're giving up on your place in my house."

"Get out of my way!" Kelly growled as if he hadn't heard a word of what Chief had just said. Casey didn't move an inch, his eyes being locked into a numb battle of wills with the Squad Lt's.

"Would Shay have wanted you to end your career like this?" Boden pushed further, hitting a very soft spot.

"SHAY'S NOT HERE, OKAY?" Kelly snapped, punching the wall behind him with one hand. He wanted to yell, to scream, to tell them that he could not live without her, but no words came out his mouth…"I should have stayed with her!" He mumbled after a minute of silence, still facing the wall, placing his other hand on it. "I should have seen the propane tanks earlier…"

"Kelly-" Boden placed a supporting hand on his shoulder, his heart sinking when the Lt.'s body trembled under the touch. "Shay's gone. You won't bring her back by letting whatever's going on in your head eat you alive."

"Yea… I pretty much figured that out already." Squad Lt. leaned his forehead on the wall.

"_If it was me, I wouldn't have wanted you to ruin your life._" The words Shay had told him after Andy's death echoed in his head. "_We can't bring back the dead, but we can still save lives."_

Neither Boden, nor Casey could see Kelly's face, but both of them noticed the teardrops falling on the floor.

"Just hear me out…Then you go wherever you want, I won't stop you." Matt didn't know how he managed to keep his voice firm and steady when he could feel his own tears, burning into his eyes. He couldn't explain it, but he stepped away, being sure that Kelly wouldn't run away.

Casey and Boden watched as Kelly turned around and slowly slid against the wall, all the way to the floor, not having the strength to make it to the couch. "I thought she was Shay." He uttered. "The girl from the apartment fire…every time I close my eyes I see Shay dying in my hands…whatever I do, she always dies."

"There are people who can help you deal with it." Chief implied, but Kelly completely ignored him.

"When I'm awake, I go back to the day Andy died, then to the boy from the boarding school, telling myself that I should have done this and that, that…that they are dead because of me. I thought it would stop if I go hide in the woods…but I cannot hide from what's inside my damn head…it's much easier to get a drink, or two, until I stop feeling the pain…" Squad Lt. continued, feeling that if he didn't say it in that moment, he probably never would.

Matt wanted to tell him that none of these were his fault, that no one was blaming him, but he doubted that his words would make any difference. "Listen, Chief spoke with George…he would get you a place in the same program that helped him deal with his daughter's death."

"I don't know, man."

"Kelly, you know that right now I can't let you back on Squad..."

"I'm…I'm not even sure I can do the job anymore."

"Don't throw your career away…give it a chance. The program's for firefighters only, they've been where you are." Casey pointed out.

_"Working in Squad is what I've wanted…it's all I have._" Kelly remembered the words he had said to Shay one morning.

"They're meeting tomorrow afternoon. If you don't like it, we go home and you do whatever you like with your life."

"O…okay." Kelly uttered with a trembling voice, but a big part of him couldn't believe that the program would help him.

Xxx

Around midnight, after making it clear that even the thought of food was making him sick, Kelly, with Matt's support, had crawled into the guest bedroom, crashing on the bed in a desperate attempt to get the so much needed sleep. Minutes later, Gabby had come back, and Casey had finally sent Boden home. It'd been hard to pursue Chief to leave, but after being reminded that his wife was carrying his child, he had agreed. Matt had stayed up until 4.30am just to make sure that he was close enough to his friend in case the nightmares started again.

But Kelly hadn't been able to fall asleep that night. He had been sitting in bed for hours, trying to get all the memories out of his head…the memories of Shay, Andy, all the people he hadn't been able to save, all the people who had left him, Brittany.

_***Flashback***_

_"Come on, you'll be late, again!" The mum of a 14 years-old Kelly scolded him, knocking on the door of his room for a third time that morning. She heard him move, but when no answer came back, she pulled the handle and went in. Her son was sitting on the bed in his pyjamas, staring at a photo of his dad and his Squad._

_"I'm not going to school today." Kelly told her._

_"Yes, you are! And I need to go to work. That's how life is."_

_"You can't make me."_

_"Kelly what's going on? You've been quiet all weekend?" She asked with concern. She knew well that she wasn't the perfect mum, that most of the time she was working, instead of being with her kid, but things were rough for the single mum with a teenage boy._

_"Today's that father and son day…I told Miss Parker that my dad is a firefighter and she asked me if he could tell us more about firefighting..."_

_"Oh Kelly…you know Benny." She didn't need to hear the rest of the story to know that Kelly hadn't been able to even call his dad. The truth was that she was tired of making up excuses for Benny's absence from the life of his son._

_"Mum…did dad leave us because of me?" Kelly looked her straight into the eyes, demanding an answer._

_"Of course not…your dad has some issues that have nothing to do with you."_

_"I…I don't want to be like him."_

_"You won't…You'll find friends for life, like Andy. Then, one day, you'll meet a nice girl and you'll stay with her, forever."_

_"Mum!" Kelly's face flushed with embarrassment. She smirked, having just realized that her little boy was already in that age when talking about girls with your mum was unacceptable._

_"C'mon, get up…Andy's waiting for you!"_

_***End of flashback***_

Kelly winced, shacking off the memories from his childhood. Friends…forever. Only if his mum had known that the people closest to him would leave him one by one, never coming back. He slowly got up, digging up his mobile from the bottom drawer of the nightstand. Kelly had buried it under a pile of old magazines when his Squad buddies had started calling to check on him after the hospital. He switched on the device and pressed "contacts", scanning through the long list until he reached the correct number. Kelly pressed "call", waiting patiently, but it went to voice mail.

"Hey Erin…It's Kelly. I just thought that-" He stopped in the middle of the sentence, staring to regret making this call. "Nevermind."

Xxx

Casey woke up just before 8am, feeling exhausted. Being careful not to wake up Gabby on their day off, he headed towards the kitchen to make some coffee. But the open door of the guest room caught his attention.

"Kelly?" Matt stepped inside, looking around the empty room. But instead of his friend, he found a piece of paper on top of the nightstand, next to Kelly's car keys. "I can't do it. Sorry.", was all that was written on the paper.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Wow, it looks like Kelly is very stubborn. But at least he admitted his feelings to Matt and Boden…baby steps Kelly, you'll get there eventually.**

**More angst and Erin are coming soon, as promised! I think that I'll finish this story before Christmas, but do not worry! While I was walking home the other day, an idea about a sequel struck me. Would you like one?**

**Thanks for reading and don't forget to review! Any thoughts and suggestions are more than welcomed!**


	6. Chapter 6

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 6**

Kelly had been wandering the streets of Chicago for hours, not giving a damn about the rain pouring from the dark sky, or the fact that he hadn't slept or eaten for far too long. He was soaking wet, but he wasn't feeling the cold, his mind being too far away from the real world.

Suddenly, he stopped, having just realized where he was. He had no idea how he had got to the graveyard, but he found himself staying motionless, like a statue, in front of a marble stone, the words Leslie Elizabeth Shay carved into it. It was so quiet around him – the only noise was created by the heavy rain. He looked at her name and suddenly it all felt real – his girl was there, resting in piece, probably laughing at him from a better place.

"Sorry I haven't visited you 'till now." Kelly kneeled down, moving his fingers across the letters. "I just…couldn't accept that you're really here... You know what-" He smiled sadly. "I stopped by our apartment today…sat there for an hour until…until a voice in my head said that you're not coming back." He closed his eyes, letting the tears go. "A nice couple with a baby girl live there…Sometimes I wonder what if we had that baby when we wanted it…It could have been us in the apartment now." He spent the next 45 minutes just sitting there, as if hoping that she would get up and take the pain away.

"I'm sorry I allowed this to happen, Shay…Oh God, I'm so sorry..." Kelly wiped out the tears and stood up, taking a final look at the marble stone, before heading away...

Xxx

"Anything?" Dawson demanded the moment Matt set foot in their apartment. She could tell that he was out of his mind already, having spent the last 4 hours looking for Kelly. He closed the door with such a bang that bits and pieces of their Christmas decoration fell down.

"No!" Casey snapped at her, throwing his jacket on the coach. His tone didn't offend Gabby. She was feeling the same way - helpless, angry, worried sick. "I've been to Grace Lake, George place, the boat yard, 51, even their old apartment. I've called Capp, Tony, Newhouse, Chief, hell I talked to my guys even, and no one has heard anything."

"We'll find him." Dawson put a gentle hand on his shoulder, trying to believe it herself.

"You didn't see him last night! I'm worried that he'll do something stupid." Matt exhaled bitterly. He needed to calm down, so he went into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of fresh coffee. "I don't know what happened -" A knock on the door interrupted him. Gabby looked at him, confused. She opened the door, giving Casey the chance to finish his drink. Neither he, nor Gabby hid their surprise when they found Erin standing there.

"Hey, is Kelly here?" The second Lindsay saw Dawson's face, she could tell that something was wrong. "What's going on?"

Gabby didn't say anything for a long moment, letting Erin in, trying to figure out how exactly to answer the question.

"When I got up this morning he was gone." Matt uttered, frustrated. "I've been looking for him for hours…"

"He left me a message this morning...I didn't see it until half an hour ago." Lindsay felt as if she owned them an explanation about why she was there. Kelly's message had scared her – his empty voice, his words. As if he had wanted to tell her something important, to talk to a person he could trust to, and she hadn't been there…instead, she had gone to a meeting with two Feds, who didn't give a damn about who she really was.

Matt rubbed his tired eyes with one hand and spent the next five minutes telling both woman about the events from the previous evening. Gabby was glad to finally hear all the details as Casey hadn't had time to tell her everything after she had come home.

"Does he have his mobile with him?" Lindsay looked at them, her tone giving them a glimpse of hope.

"Yea…I think so." Matt replied, not remember seeing it anywhere in the guest room. "But it's off."

"I'll have Antonio track it down."

Casey sighted, annoyed that he hadn't thought of it earlier. As he listened to Lindsay's and Antonio's short conversation, Matt was silently praying that it wasn't too late to save their friend.

Xxx

Hour and a half after leaving the graveyard, Kelly was standing in front of a small building not far from the Fire Academy. He looked through the small window and saw about a dozen people inside- other firefighters, some very young, probably still candidates, some much older than him, all bonded by one thing – the pain from the loss of a dear friend, or family.

"Can I help you?" A female voice startled him. Kelly turned around and saw a woman in her early forties studying him. What he didn't know was that she knew him pretty well already, even though she had never seen him before. George, someone she looked up to, had told her everything about Lt. Kelly Severide.

"No…I…I must have the wrong address."

"It depends on what you're looking for." She wanted to help him, just like she had helped many others, but she knew from experience that pushing too hard when one wasn't ready wouldn't lead to anything good.

"Whatever it is, I won't find it here."

"You never know…It looks to me that you need some warmth and a hot drink right now – we have both. Why don't you come inside with me?"

"Better not to."

"Really?" She frowned. "We have hot chocolate and a couple of free chairs."

When she turned around and went in, Kelly followed he, hesitantly. He couldn't tell what made him go inside, but he did it, as if hoping that once there, he'd find the courage to face his demons.

"I'm Kara by the way."

"Kelly."

"I know." Kara smiled warmly. She stopped next to a man, about the same age as Kelly, who was standing in the corner on his own. "And this is Jack. He joined us a couple of months ago. Jack, would you show Kelly where we keep the hot drinks?"

"Yea, c'mon." Jack took him to a table on the other side of the room. "Which firehouse?"

"51."

"Really? I've heard great things about 51! I wanted to take Peter Mills as a candidate on my Truck, but the kid insisted on 51."

"Yea…" Kelly murmured, suddenly starting to think that he had made a mistake. The truth was that he got scared…scared to face all the people there, scared to share his story with them. He felt like a coward among people who had found the strength to deal with the pain and get their lives back.

Jack didn't miss that Severide was looking for the exit. "Hey man, listen, I was where you are a few months ago. I lost my wife and son after the bombing attack on Chicago Med -"

"Don't" Kelly cut him off abruptly, turning away his head so that Jack couldn't see his tormented expression.

"_I've got nine lives, like a cat."_ Shay had cracked the stupid joke after she had been admitted to Chicago Med after the attack. Squad Lt. shook the image of that day off and headed for the door, not looking back.

"Kelly!" Kara ran after him, stopping him at the door. "I can't make you stay. But you should know that all these people inside found their way back to life. You can do it, too." She made a long pause, a part of her hoping that Kelly would say something, anything. "If you ever feel ready to talk, here's my card. Call me, anytime…I mean it."

Severide put the card into the inner pocket of his jacket and went out, cursing the heavy rain that had started pouring again.

Xxx

Matt put his phone back into his pocket and joined Erin and Gabby into the living room, where they had spent the last 20 minutes, mostly in silence. Lindsay was waiting impatiently for Antonio to call her back and she wasn't in a mood for small talks. Millions of heavy thoughts were constantly bugging her. Had she betrayed Kelly? What if she had been a better friend when he had needed her the most?

"It was Boden." Casey broke the silence. "Kelly has turned up just before the meeting of the support group, Kara's managed to pursue him to go inside with her, but he's got scared and ran away." Both woman looked at him, confused. "Kara and George are good friends. She's called him, he's called Boden."

"At least he's in one piece." Gabby felt a wave of relief.

Erin opened her mouth to ask more about George, but her phone buzzle in her pocket. Two sets of eyes were watching her every movement, while she spoke with Antonio.

"Kelly's heading west on Roosevelt Road."

"The Academy!" Casey barked, already putting his jacket on.

"I'll take my car and follow you." Erin declared, running out the apartment.

Xxx

Kelly walked into the Fire Academy, having stopped by a 24/7 shop and spent the last money he had on a bottle of tequila. The Academy had always been the only place on Earth he had felt save, but now it was just a reminder of what he had lost. His entire life was based on this place – his childhood dreams on getting a place there, the best years of his life with Darden and Casey, training to be one of the best firefighters in Chicago, the moment when he had been told that the three of them had got places at 51, making Squad, meeting Shay…and now it seemed like he didn't have anything left.

He went to the wall displaying the badges of his friends and just stood there, looking at them, numb. He had been there only once since Andy's death, on the 1 year anniversary, after being told that a fellow firefighter had been the arsonist targeting him. During the time he had been teaching a Rescue class, he had avoided the wall, not wanting to remind himself of what he had lost. Now, for the very first time, he got the courage to look at Shay's badge, but he couldn't stop the tears that were burning in his eyes. He wanted to grab it, take the badge, and bring it back to the person it belonged to, just like he had done hundreds of times after Shay had left it at Molly's, or the kitchen counter…but this time there was no one looking for it.

Kelly went to the corner of the room and sat on the dusty floor, leaning against the wall. He pressed his knees against his chest, trying to warm his wet body. The tequila bottle was in his right hand, but he couldn't bring himself to open it. He didn't know for long he had been sitting in the darkness, staring at the number on the card Kara had given him, when he heard footsteps. He didn't have the strength to get up and run away again…he couldn't hide from what was inside his head.

"Kelly." Erin called out, getting closer to him. Her heart sank after he looked at her for a split second with a blank expression on his face. She slowly sat next to him, taking the unsealed Tequila away from his grip.

"I'll get the blanket." Dawson whispered into Matt's ear, having noticed Kelly's wet clothes and already blue lips. She was glad that they had put a spare blanket in Casey's truck not long ago, just in case they ever needed it. But Gabby was also happy that she had an excuse to walk out that room, not able to stand in front of the badge of her best friend any longer.

"How many times have you been here after Andy died?" Severide's question took Matt by surprise.

"I don't know. Six…seven maybe."

"That's my second time." Kelly admitted. "I couldn't look at their badges, knowing that I could have done more."

"That's the job we signed up for." Casey's voice was low, but firm. "Andy knew that. Shay knew that…Weren't you the one who told us when we started at the Academy that what matters is the lives we safe? Well, they saved lives and gave up their own."

Kelly closed his eyes, trying to convince himself that Matt was right, but the evil voice in his head wasn't going away. "I visited her grave…for the first time... She really is gone, huh?" He looked at Lindsay, hoping that she would say that he was wrong, that Shay was waiting for him home and everything had been a terrible nightmare.

"I'm so sorry." Even in her worst nightmares hadn't Erin imagined that she would have to tell Kelly that his girl was dead for a second time. She remembered doing so the first time and it was still painful, as if it was yesterday – hearing about the building explosion, Boden's Mayday call, telling Kelly that Shay was gone.

Gabby walked in, bringing a warm blanket. Erin wrapped it around Kelly's shivering body, not leaving his site for a second.

"Let's go outside." Matt guided Dawson out to his truck. He wanted to give the detective some alone time with the Squad Lt, hoping that the cut from the same cloth thing would work its magic.

"Listen, I've been where you are…Drugs, alcohol…I was thinking that it was the only way to get though the day and forget about my mum, my brother, the abuse. Voight proved me otherwise. He made me face the problems and here I am today."

"You think I don't know I need help?!" Kelly snapped, not taking his eyes off the wall with the badges. "Today I went to that group meeting…and got scared. Ran into the first shop and got that…tequila…Shay's favourite."

"You didn't open the bottle."

"I couldn't…I saw all those people there who have gone through hell and they were okay…Then I remembered that Shay was ready to give up everything to help me when I got hooked on the painkillers..."

"You were told once that recovery is for people who want it, not for people who need it… Do you want it?"

Kelly nodded slightly, finally getting the courage to look straight into Lindsay's eyes. "I wanna do it…I owe Shay."

"Kelly, I'll be with you every step of the way. Matt, too. We're not going anywhere!"

"Don't…don't make this promise. Too many people have broken it already."

"Okay…Let me prove it to you then."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Hey guys, I hope you like this chapter as much as I do! Looks like Kelly's getting better…or is he? I think that Erin is a good addition to this story, but for now she's going to stay in the friend zone. What Kelly needs is her as a friend…but who knows what the future (and the sequel) holds for them! Next chapter is on its way and it's going to be the last one, and it is going to give you some hints for the sequel. **

**Thanks for reading and don't forget to review! Any thoughts and suggestions are more than welcomed!**


	7. Chapter 7

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer: __I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 7**

Casey pulled over in front of the house Kara and her group were meeting. He and Erin had taken Kelly to Matt's apartment after the scene at the Fire Academy the previous day. Surprisingly, Squad Lt. had opened up about his feelings, seeking help. They all knew that Severide had a very long way to go, but they felt relieved that he was on the right track already. Boden had given Casey a week off to take care of Kelly and that's what Matt intended to do – be with his friend every step of the way. Unfortunately, Erin had got a very disturbing call that Burgess had been shot, and she had rushed to the hospital, leaving Casey to take their friend to the meeting.

Kelly opened the door of Matt's truck, but his body froze, too scared to get out and face all the people inside.

"You okay?" Casey asked softly, having noticed the sudden change in his friend's expression.

"Would…would you do me a favour?" Severide looked at Truck Lt. as if he was going to ask for the biggest favour in the history of Earth.

"Of course."

"Would you stay here? I mean…to stop me if I decide to run away again."

"I told you I'm not going anywhere. I mean it!"

Kelly didn't say a word more. He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath and got out, slowly heading toward the entrance of the house. Matt was watching his every movement carefully, ready to step in if necessary. He had promised that he would stay there, but Severide had to do this on his own. He had to find the courage to go inside and tell the people there his story, share his pain. It was the only way…

Xxx

Kelly walked inside, fighting the desire to turn away and run through the exit. He was glad that Casey was waiting in front of the building, because if his friend wasn't there, there wouldn't have been anything to stop him.

"Kelly." Kara called out from down the hallway, stepping toward him. "I'm glad to see you again."

"Yea." He mumbled in response.

"Hey listen." She touched his shoulder, knowing how important it was to earn his trust. He had to realize that there were a lot of people he could rely on, people who weren't going to betray or leave him. Only then he could feel confident enough to share his pain with them. "The fact that you're here today means a lot. Believe me, I know what you're feeling right now. But what I don't want you to do is be scared and count down the seconds until the meeting's over. You will hear what other people have to say, and if you feel like talking to them, or to me, then I'm not gonna stop you. If not, you come back tomorrow and just listen…until the time comes."

"Okay." Squad Lt. agreed, having the sudden desire to fix his life.

Xxx

***Two weeks later***

It was Christmas Eve, the first one without Shay. It had been only two weeks since Kelly's first meeting with Kara's support group…two weeks that seemed more like two months to Severide, Casey, Lindsay, Boden and the rest of firehouse 51. Every day was a challenge for the Squad Lt. – waking up, keeping occupied, going to the meetings, forcing himself to sleep and eat. He had his good days, when he felt like he could pull through the nightmare, and bad days, when all he wanted was to quit and get a drink. Luckily, he had both Matt and Erin to remind him of the promise he had made, not to them, but to Shay – to deal with the pain. When Truck Lt. was on shift, Lindsay was staying with Kelly and vice versa. It didn't mean that they were actually staying in one room, but they were there whenever Kelly needed them.

Unfortunately, Christmas Eve was one of the bad days. Kelly got back from the meeting in a bad mood, throwing his car keys on the kitchen table and storming into the bathroom. He took a very long shower, trying to convince himself that it was just a normal day, nothing special. When he returned to the guest room, he found Matt sitting on the bed, waiting for him.

"What?" Severed growled, putting on a clean shirt.

"You know that Christie, Violet and Antonio are coming tomorrow, right?" With Dawson's parents going on a vacation for Christmas, Matt had decided to organise a Christmas dinner at their place, hoping that being among friends would take Kelly's mind off things.

"I know."

"Why don't you invite Erin?" Casey pushed a bit more. He was well aware that Severide and Lindsay were just friends, but what he wanted was for his friend to reach out and get involved in Christmas.

Kelly sighted, trying to figure out a way to decline the invitation. "I don't know, man…Christmas is just…hard I guess. I've never been a fan but-" He stopped, fighting back the tears. It was frustrating that every time he thought of Shay, he started crying. "But Shay had her own way to make it fun."

"I get it…Remember our first Christmas at the Academy? We had to literally kidnap you, but you ended up having fun."

"You shouldn't have pushed Andy into that pool…it was freezing." Kelly smiled at the memory of that day.

"You have to refresh your memory, Severide…It was your idea."

"Oh…yea." Squad Lt. mumbled somehow absent-mindedly.

"Listen, we'll be here if you decide to join us." Matt patted Kelly's shoulder before leaving him alone in the room.

When Casey and Dawson headed to Christie's place to pick her up and go to the church, where Violet was going to sing Christmas songs, Severide crashed on the couch with the remote control for the TV in his hand. He turned on the TV and looked sideways, as if expecting to see Shay sitting next to him. He was reminded that she wasn't there by the empty spot on the couch. It had been their Christmas tradition to watch stupid holiday movies on Christmas Eve and stay up until it had been time for Santa to come…it wasn't fun watching these movies alone. These memories were still painful…too painful. Kelly put the remote on the table and pushed himself upright, heading to the fridge to fix himself a sandwich. But instead on the ham, his hand landed on the beer, and a voice in his head told him to grab it and forget about Christmas…

"Ah…damn it!" Kelly cursed, slamming the fridge door shut. He leaned against the kitchen counter for a minute, angry that he had been so close to destroying everything he had achieved. He felt relieved when he heard a knock on the door, as it meant that whoever it was, was going to distract him from the beer he had just seen.

"Hey." Lindsay looked at him, faking a smile.

"Let me guess…Casey asked you to check on me" Kelly growled, but started to regret it when he noticed the sadness written all over her face.

"He did…but I was already on my way here anyway." Erin admitted. "Can I come in?"

"Yea, of course…What's going on?"

"I…was hoping for a quiet night in with my mum and my brother. You know, have something like a normal family Christmas…just us. She turned up ten sheets to the wind." Erin didn't hide the frustration in her voice..."What's up with you?" She added, even though Casey had already told her about hid talk with Severide. The whole nightmare had made Matt and Lindsay quite good friends.

"Nothing. I'm good." Kelly attempted a lie, sitting on the coach. Erin did the same, not taking her eyes off him, while he went through all the TV channels, cursing silently every Christmas movie that was on.

"Kelly-" Lindsay grabbed the remote control, pursuing him to finally look at her. "Talk to me." She waited patiently until he found the words needed to explain what was going on.

"I…I don't know how to do this stupid holiday without her." Kelly looked at her defeated.

"I've never been a fan, either." Erin shrugged.

"I wasn't…until I met Shay….God she loved Christmas. But she never had the money to go home and be with her family, so it was always her and me…" Kelly sobbed. _"Always."_

"Good times?"

"The best."

"Then keep the memories, Kelly, the good ones. Christmas is about being with people you love and who care about you…Shay's always going to be in our hearts…She is with us right now!"

Severide didn't say a word for the next five minutes, pretending to be watching the movie. Instead, he was thinking of the good old times with his best friends. The first Christmas with Andy and the Darden boys…Kelly had dressed up as Santa, a really bad one. Then with Shay. God, he loved giving her presents. She had always acted surprised, had always loved the gifts from Kelly…

"Thanks…for being here. I know I screwed up what we had." Kelly looked up, feeling the need to get it out of his system. "I just…can't lose you, too."

"I know. But I'm here now…as your friend! Let's focus on getting through this, then we can think about us."

"Yea." He mumbled, staring blankly at the TV. He knew she was right, his marriage with Brittany had proven it – he wasn't in a place for relationships. He had to fix his life first, and deep down he was glad that Erin was there for him. Because if it hadn't been for her and Casey, he would have probably ended up in a ditch one night.

"What's happening to Santa?" Lindsay looked at the movie, acting confused. Actually, she didn't give a damn about the movie, but was glad when her plan to take Kelly's mind off the heavy thoughts worked.

"You've never seen it?" Kelly asked amused. "Shay made me watch it every single year…"

"Voight's not exactly a movie person…The man's done so much for me, but organizing fun holidays has never been on his list."

"Look, Santa asked to be a normal person. So now he is normal, but there is no one to bring gifts to the kids."

"That's it?"

"Yea…pretty stupid." Kelly grinned, forgetting for a second that it was Erin sitting next to him, not Shay.

The two spent the rest of the evening commenting every Christmas movie they saw, Kelly telling Erin more about the traditions he and Shay had had. He didn't hide the pain he felt every time he was reminded that his friend was gone, but it was all a part of the healing process. Eventually, Squad Lt. fell asleep on the couch, and Erin covered him with a warm blanket. She decided to stay until Matt came home, just in case, but five minutes later she was already dozing on the arm chair, happy to have seen the progress Kelly had made.

Xxx

Kelly was awoken on Christmas morning by the cheerful voices of Erin and Gabby coming from the kitchen. It had been one of the very few nights he had actually been able to sleep well. He rubbed his eyes, but his body was somehow stiffened. It took him a couple of minutes to realize that he had slept on the couch. Kelly pushed himself upright, and his eyes immediately fell on a beautiful poinsettia, sitting on the table. Apparently, Casey and Dawson had brought it the previous night.

***flashback***

"Where are we going?" Kelly asked for a third in the last one hour.

"You'll see."

"Shay! It's Christmas tomorrow and I hate crowds!"

"Then stop complaining and start moving."

Kelly sighed, amused with Shay's Christmas spirit. They had been on shift and she had been singing songs and baking cookies for them all day long. He followed her quietly, like a good friend, into a small shop.

"A florist? Really?"

"Our place needs a poinsettia." Shay shrugged, as if it was the most obvious thing on Earth.

"Why?"

"Because it's Christmassy." She smirked, and Kelly decided to shut up and let her get the flower she wanted.

***End of flashback***

Kelly shook off the memory and headed for the bathroom, avoiding the people in the kitchen.

"Merry Christmas." Casey's happy voice sounded behind him, but Squad Lt. ignored him, slamming the door of the guest room behind himself. He ran into the bathroom and let his body relax under the warm water. Twenty-five minutes later, he was standing in front of the mirror in the bedroom, dressed smartly with a dark blue button shirt and dark jeans, looking at his tense expression. Kelly grabbed his car keys and phone and slid them into his pocket, put his jacket on and took a deep breath before heading toward the door.

"You going somewhere?" Casey followed him into the hallway.

"I've got something to do." Kelly growled, earning the disapproving looks of Matt, Erin and Gabby.

"Need company?" Casey's question sounded more like a statement.

"No."

"Kelly-"

"I'm fine!" Squad Lt. barked, opening the door. "I just…have to do something. Will be back for lunch."

Kelly ran to his car, driving away. He stopped by the first florist he spotted on his way, getting the most beautiful poinsettia he had ever seen. His next stop was the cemetery, where he made his way to the exact place where his girl was resting in piece. Her grave was covered in different flowers, making it clear that many others had already been there. Kelly kneeled down in front of the marble stone, finding it hard to withhold his tears. He positioned the poinsettia in front of the middle of the stone, a part of him hoping that she could see it from wherever she was.

"I hope you like it." He smiled, touching the letters gently. "Damn it, Shay, I'm trying…but it's hard."

"Yea, 'cuz there's no one to kick his ass… Everyone's too nice." Herrmann's voice made Kelly jump out of his skin. The Lt. turned around to find the whole Herrmann family standing behind him. Severide stood motionless for a couple of seconds, trying to figure out what to say. He had been avoiding everyone from 51 for the last two weeks, not able to look them in the eyes after his break down during the apartment fire. He pushed himself upright, not taking his eyes off the poinsettia.

"Nice flower…we got roses." Herrmann looked at Cindy, who gave him a piercing look.

"Shay used to say that every house needs one for Christmas." Kelly mumbled. Yes, this place was her home now.

"I know. Our candidate brought one last shift. Pouch doesn't let anyone near it." Christopher smiled and then looked straight into Severide's eyes. "You doing anything today? Cuz if not, there is always room for one more with Herrmann's clan."

"No…thanks man…I'm joining Casey's party. He put a lot of effort into organizing it."

"Okay…I don't blame you, Dawson makes the best turkey." Herrmann smirked. "Merry Christmas Lieutenant."

"Merry Christmas."

Xxx

***Three weeks later***

"Close the door, Casey." Boden ordered with deep sadness in his voice. He had been sitting in his office with a man from Arson Investigations for the past one hour, and by the looks on their faces, the topic wasn't any good.

"What's going on, Chief?" Matt sat on the only free chair, waiting for an explanation.

"You remember the first structure fire after Severide came back?" Chief was referring to a nasty fire a week earlier, coinciding with Kelly's first shift. Squad Lt. had come back on duty after four weeks of attending Kara's meetings, after Boden and Casey had seen the progress Severide had made.

"I do…almost lost Ottis." Casey said as a reminder, even though he was sure that Chief remembered that they had been close to losing another one.

"We found this." The Arson Investigation man pulled out a metal coil, sitting on something way too familiar to Matt and Boden. "It's been used to start the fire."

Casey looked at Chief with a horrified expression, having the feeling that there was more to the story.

"Another team has found the same coil near the propane tanks that exploded when we…lost Shay" Chief barely made himself say these words. "1751 written under the oxidizer."

"It wasn't until we opened this case that we saw the link." The third guy tried to defend his colleagues.

"You mean the link to Hadley?" Casey clenched his fists tight, his anger about to explode.

"We cannot tie him to these fires. Hadley's in prison after spending six months in a burn centre."

"Does Severide know?" Matt ignored the Arson guy for a moment, focusing his attention on his friend. What he had been just told had the potential to push Kelly back to square one, or worse - completely destroy him.

"No…not yet." Boden sighted, wishing for the nightmare to be finally over…

**THE END**

**TO BE CONTINUED IN A SEQUEL**

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Okay, I know that a cliff-hanger is not exactly the best end of a story, but considering that I am writing a sequel, I think you can forgive me

For anyone who's wondering – in season 2x01, we saw that Kelly's badge number is 1751

I am going to start posting the new story, titled Revenge, around the same time as the show returns on TV – around 10th of January. I hope that you'll be interested in reading it.

I want to say a big Thank you to all of you. I wish you a very happy Christmas and New Year, hope you have fun!

Finally, please don't forget to tell me what you think of this final chapter. Thank you!


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